Tag Archives: teaching

Long Not-Strange Trip

View out my window at work

View out my window at work

I found myself thinking about this blog a few times in the last week and decided to see if I could remember the password to get back in to it. Obviously, I did. Can I remember why I wrote it? Obviously, I can. I was in the middle of my third decade of teaching and thoroughly fed up with the educational system that continued to become every year more a place of schooling and obedience than of learning and growth. Continue reading

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Teachers enjoy their summers OFF

Across America (TWP)

In the glorious days of summer, when teachers frolic and gambol through the wildflower fields, all is right with the world. The teachers rise each day somewhere between ten and noon and then eat blueberry pancakes with specially ground French roast bean coffee and nap and watch a Lifetime movie in the afternoon.

After watching the movie and perhaps playing with a very furry calico kitten, the teachers take another nap and then rise at dinnertime to have fettuccine Bolognese or roasted chicken with garlic or grilled salmon, because they have time to learn to be top chefs in the summer when they are OFF.

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Sales of magical teacher gear on the rise

Grand Rapids MI (TWP)

At the Educational Magicurriculum Concepts Factory, account manager Bo North announced that sales of their new line of magical end-of-the-year teacher products have skyrocketed. “We haven’t seen this kind of increase in sales in such a short amount of time since the 80s when Ronald Reagan slashed the education budget, and we sold out of recycled staples in 24 hours,” North said. “Recycling was the best magic we could do at the time.”

The Passing Period Phantom-Producer, even at a pricey $149, has been the company’s best seller in the last week. The Phantom-Producer is a palm device, upon which the teacher places her hand as soon as the bell rings, and she becomes a phantom, invisible to the naked student eye until the bell rings for the next class.

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Teacher appreciation packages well-received

Across America (TWP)

During Teacher Appreciation Week, teachers across the country were honored with numerous gift packages, ranging from the small but special to the large and luxurious. TWP surveyed teachers and found some interesting results of the weeklong marathon of love and mutual respect.

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, 3rd grade teacher at Ross Elementary, Karen Morrison reported that she received a special email from the superintendent of schools which read, “As we close Teacher Appreciation Week, I want to say THANK YOU for all you do for our students! The single most important factor in our success as a school district is the quality teachers and staff we employ! We will continue to move forward and provide opportunities for our students because of you and your efforts! You are making a difference!”

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Superintendent knows the teachers are up to something

Delozier WY (TWP)

Superintendent Sam Rutherford knows the teachers at his district are “up to something,” but he’s not sure what yet. According to tapes from an informal meeting of the superintendent and school board at Delozier Schools, Wyoming, that were leaked to TWP, Rutherford has put the principals in the district on alert that “shenanigans may be in the air.”

“If we relax the vigilance one iota, we could be goners,” Rutherford said to mumbled agreement. A school board member’s voice could then be heard on the scratchy tape, and though the words were unintelligible, the note of warning in the tone was apparent.

TWP has also learned that the superintendent has extended the blockade of bullshit that he authorized to fortify the Education Services Building at the beginning of the year, when he authorized without input from anyone an extended school day, decreased planning time, and scanning devices that record the number of times a teacher retreated to the faculty lounge in the course of a day.

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Best workers take over for the rest of us

Across America (TWP)

Following the advice of a private-schooled rich man on public schools, businesses across the country have implemented the “best worker gets more business” model to mixed results. Average waitresses at the Denny’s in downtown Kansas City liked the leisure time but moaned about the lack of tips, which usually comprise 75 % of their salaries.

Denny’s customer Reid Langston left the restaurant fuming. “Barbara has always been the best waitress here, but it took forever for her to take our order and then by the time she brought our pancakes to us they were stone cold.”

Barbara, who gave a last name but it was unintelligible in the rush she made past TWP reporters, had been assigned double the usual tables because everyone acknowledged she was the best waitress on the weekday morning shift.

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Superintendent reveals cure for poo-poo brain

Peach Grove GA (TWP)

Peach Grove Public Schools has reportedly initiated a new technology and electronic policy for the next school year. The policy is detailed in a 168-page document that explains the rules governing the use of all digital and electronic devices in the school, including cell phones, I-pods, I-pads, I-peds (electronic sneakers), and I-ponds (digital water bottles).

Superintendent Jordan Eslinger noted that the district needed to “revamp our policies on the appropriate use of electronic devices so that we might enter the 21st century digital paradigm.” The district’s policies came under fire when high school geometry teacher Sheryl Newley was reprimanded for allowing a student to use her phone to look up a word in dictionary.com.

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Ninja teachers invade superintendent’s office

Drapertown FL (TWP)

A select group of ninja teachers from the Drapertown School district were partially successful in their afternoon meeting at the superintendent’s office today. Casualties were still being counted at press time, but the most severe injuries reported included a minor brain explosion and two cases of accidental vomit swallowing.

 Ninja captain, science teacher Paula Stone, said, “Our initial strategy was to continue our practice of open communication, and then we realized we were tired of exposing ourselves and having to take it up the ass. Thus, the ninja training commenced.”

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Teacher’s success baffles education establishment

Topeka, KANSAS (TWP)

Researchers commissioned by the Kansas Department of Education reported inconclusive findings in their study of Topeka High English teacher Marti Davis’s success. Davis, recently fired for non-compliance in several areas, including conducting, remediating, and storing data from mandated state-issued tests, appeared to have highly successful students anyway.

“We’re not quite sure why there seems to be no relation between Ms Davis’s failure to teach in the proper way and the continued success rate of her students in tests, graduation, college, and work,” said Bernard Simpson, head of Education Design for 21st Century Schooling. “I don’t know. Her shit just don’t stink.”

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Aliens tour Westlake High School

In education news this week, aliens from the planet Xalminator landed in Westlake, Indiana, at the forty-yard-line on the fighting Wolves’ football field. On their tour, the aliens remarked on the school’s foreign design and inhabitants. 

 “This startling system of bells ringing at 50-minute intervals, followed by another ring 5 minutes after each 50-minute bell appears to randomly move the students through a series of rooms, hallways, and doorways at an alarming rate,” Citizen Xorotec noted. “I see no intellectual logic for such behavior, since this is a school of learning, and learning cannot be reasonably segmented in such an arbitrary way.”

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