Omaha NE (TWP)
With his latest book, best-selling writer James Pitterdaughter is achieving unheard of success, even for this author who has conquered the bland fiction charts, branched into children’s books and young adult flying fantasy and even uses a ghost writer when he needs to take a break between books for lunch.
Pitterdaughter’s Along Came a Teacher . . . Who Kills People has shot up to number 3 on the bestseller charts in only four weeks of its release. The book, which Pitterdaughter said would be the first in a series, follows high school English teacher turned serial killer Amillia Floss on her journey to rid the world of evil, while expounding on the meter in Thomas Hardy’s poetry to her senior students who refuse to read George Eliot because she was ugly.
Across America (TWP)
Arne Duncan, secretary of the U.S. Department of Education, recently said, “It is a fundamental, unalterable belief that every child can learn, and a fundamental understanding of the tremendous urgency of our work.”
Shaking with disbelief, Sacramento High School music teacher Sandra Estep said, “Wow. I never thought about what I do in that way. I am so ready to change the way I teach now that I know how fundamentally urgent it is in a fundamental way.”
Ft. Worth TX (TWP)
The Greater Ft Worth Public School Circus was temporarily shut-down when a renegade elephant refused to prance at the ringmaster’s whip-call. The elephant, otherwise known as Mrs. Sharpe, the middle school math teacher, trumpeted and trotted out of the ring and crashed through the pavilion doors.
A few students hitched a ride on her back, and no one was injured in the incident, though the Board of Education building had to go to lockdown when piles of elephant poo threatened to destroy the pristine tile hallways.
Topeka, KANSAS (TWP)
Researchers commissioned by the Kansas Department of Education reported inconclusive findings in their study of Topeka High English teacher Marti Davis’s success. Davis, recently fired for non-compliance in several areas, including conducting, remediating, and storing data from mandated state-issued tests, appeared to have highly successful students anyway.
“We’re not quite sure why there seems to be no relation between Ms Davis’s failure to teach in the proper way and the continued success rate of her students in tests, graduation, college, and work,” said Bernard Simpson, head of Education Design for 21st Century Schooling. “I don’t know. Her shit just don’t stink.”
Des Moines IA (TWP)
Middle school science teacher Rhonda Spelling met with legislators at the state capitol on Tuesday to discuss a proposed bill on merit pay for parents that she co-authored. The bill would issue merit pay funds, similar to how they are rewarded to teachers, to parents whose children aren’t failures.
Using funds from the state lottery, the legislation would make it possible to pay parents of children for a variety of outcomes and behaviors, such as not getting pregnant or (in the case of male children) not getting another adolescent pregnant. Merit pay can also be earned if parents don’t allow their children to work from 4 to midnight at McDonald’s on school nights.
Being an overview of the latest title from TWP, soon to be on bookshelves across the country
The day before returning to school in January, most public school teachers A) question their sanity, B) stock up on gin, C) update the resume, or D) start planning the revolution. Resolutions are for failures and motivational speakers.
Step One in the revolution: Get Oprah on board.
Public School, America (TWP)
You’ve got your degree, your certificate, and your love of education going for you. What else could possibly equip you for a career in the public school teaching field? Here are 5 must-have products on the market designed for the beginning teacher.
Brompton, AZ (TWP) A fter last year’s state takeover of failing school district Brompton, remaining teachers petitioned and received the right to run the school. This year, studies show that the teacher-run school has made great success in combating the near epidemic spread of FUTILE syndrome.
It is only as I am approaching 50, with twenty-three years of public school teaching behind me, that I am able to see the gloriously disastrous ways in which schools screw up–over and over again. I remember reading some movie review by Pauline Kael when I first started teaching, and she said that high school was a special kind of hell. It took a long time for me to figure out what she meant.
New teachers who have the energy to make change in the school are not normally aware of how screwed up the system is, while older, wiser teachers know and don’t have the energy to change it.
I’m using the word “energy” because that’s the case for a lot of career teachers. It’s not about courage for many older teachers, although there are a lot of cowards who kiss administration’s ass in order to keep their job and then bitch about them constantly in the faculty lounge. But the traditional school system does not work, and older, wiser teachers know it.
Call me a pussy for not beginning the rebellion. I’m tired. All I have the energy to do is gripe and continue whoring for the profession I once loved. Here are the whore’s stories.