Tag Archives: public schools

Sales of magical teacher gear on the rise

Grand Rapids MI (TWP)

At the Educational Magicurriculum Concepts Factory, account manager Bo North announced that sales of their new line of magical end-of-the-year teacher products have skyrocketed. “We haven’t seen this kind of increase in sales in such a short amount of time since the 80s when Ronald Reagan slashed the education budget, and we sold out of recycled staples in 24 hours,” North said. “Recycling was the best magic we could do at the time.”

The Passing Period Phantom-Producer, even at a pricey $149, has been the company’s best seller in the last week. The Phantom-Producer is a palm device, upon which the teacher places her hand as soon as the bell rings, and she becomes a phantom, invisible to the naked student eye until the bell rings for the next class.

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Superintendent knows the teachers are up to something

Delozier WY (TWP)

Superintendent Sam Rutherford knows the teachers at his district are “up to something,” but he’s not sure what yet. According to tapes from an informal meeting of the superintendent and school board at Delozier Schools, Wyoming, that were leaked to TWP, Rutherford has put the principals in the district on alert that “shenanigans may be in the air.”

“If we relax the vigilance one iota, we could be goners,” Rutherford said to mumbled agreement. A school board member’s voice could then be heard on the scratchy tape, and though the words were unintelligible, the note of warning in the tone was apparent.

TWP has also learned that the superintendent has extended the blockade of bullshit that he authorized to fortify the Education Services Building at the beginning of the year, when he authorized without input from anyone an extended school day, decreased planning time, and scanning devices that record the number of times a teacher retreated to the faculty lounge in the course of a day.

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Teacher fired for looking cross-eyed at a student

Across the US (TWP)

Junctionville Elementary reading teacher Julie Parker was fired on Tuesday for looking cross-eyed at one of her 36 students in third hour. The student had just asked if they needed to know what was on the board for the test, and Parker apparently turned from the student she was helping and did something “inappropriate” according to school authorities, with her eyes in the student’s direction.

The child’s mother, who could not be named because this would reveal the child’s identity, told TWP that Parker “deliberately tried to shame my son Martin Weaver with a look that was making fun of a physical peculiarity he can’t do anything about.”

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Teacher marries a paradigm

El Paso, TX (TWP)

An El Paso High School teacher of 17 years married the superintendent’s new paradism in a civil ceremony performed at the Little Pink Chapel of People’s Church on Friday at 3:50 p.m.

The teacher, Raul Montoya, remarked, “Another new superintendent and another new paradigm–the sixth in 10 years–I figured I’d just marry the fucker this time and get some alimony when she ran away next year.”

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