Omaha NE (TWP)
With his latest book, best-selling writer James Pitterdaughter is achieving unheard of success, even for this author who has conquered the bland fiction charts, branched into children’s books and young adult flying fantasy and even uses a ghost writer when he needs to take a break between books for lunch.
Pitterdaughter’s Along Came a Teacher . . . Who Kills People has shot up to number 3 on the bestseller charts in only four weeks of its release. The book, which Pitterdaughter said would be the first in a series, follows high school English teacher turned serial killer Amillia Floss on her journey to rid the world of evil, while expounding on the meter in Thomas Hardy’s poetry to her senior students who refuse to read George Eliot because she was ugly.
Delozier WY (TWP)
Superintendent Sam Rutherford knows the teachers at his district are “up to something,” but he’s not sure what yet. According to tapes from an informal meeting of the superintendent and school board at Delozier Schools, Wyoming, that were leaked to TWP, Rutherford has put the principals in the district on alert that “shenanigans may be in the air.”
“If we relax the vigilance one iota, we could be goners,” Rutherford said to mumbled agreement. A school board member’s voice could then be heard on the scratchy tape, and though the words were unintelligible, the note of warning in the tone was apparent.
TWP has also learned that the superintendent has extended the blockade of bullshit that he authorized to fortify the Education Services Building at the beginning of the year, when he authorized without input from anyone an extended school day, decreased planning time, and scanning devices that record the number of times a teacher retreated to the faculty lounge in the course of a day.
Bertha Honeycutt enjoys her retirement.
Bushwell NY (TWP)
Funeral services for Bertha Honeycutt, retired second grade teacher at Bushwell Elementary in upstate New York were held on Tuesday and briefly interrupted by a phalanx of mourners unable to get into the jam-packed church.
Honeycutt, the last documented public school teacher to teach unobstructed by testing and data mandates, quick-fix paradigm fads, and related educational bullshit, was laid to rest amidst the communal sobs of the nation’s students and teachers mourning the end of an era.
Drapertown FL (TWP)
A select group of ninja teachers from the Drapertown School district were partially successful in their afternoon meeting at the superintendent’s office today. Casualties were still being counted at press time, but the most severe injuries reported included a minor brain explosion and two cases of accidental vomit swallowing.
Ninja captain, science teacher Paula Stone, said, “Our initial strategy was to continue our practice of open communication, and then we realized we were tired of exposing ourselves and having to take it up the ass. Thus, the ninja training commenced.”
(TWP) Retired high school psychology teacher Bourbon Lovesme is following up the success of his blockbuster The 7 Cocktails of Lightly-Soused Teachers with The Liquor in Me, an inebriating blueprint for “spirit”ual success in schools for teachers everywhere.
Lovesme’s 413-page tome details how the 7 cocktails mentioned in his earlier New York Times bestselling self-help book can bring courage and fortitude to the faculty lounge, every teacher’s launching pad into the world of student life.
Port Steven, ALABAMA (TWP)
News spread quickly this week that Mona Richards, a Port Steven Middle School art teacher, had found two dimes in the bottom drawer of her desk. The riches immediately set Richards planning for her retirement.
Atlanta, GEORGIA (TWP)
At Peter Washington Elementary, Principal George Dotson wants to change the school philosophy so that it is a good one instead of a bad one. His plan includes having all teachers read the book Working School Wonders: A Philosophy That Works and use it as a basis for a good philosophy and throw out their bad philosophy.
“Times are changing,” Dotson said. “We have to change with them, throw out the bad and incorporate the new and get down to the business of teaching these kids with the best tools we have, not the bad ones.”
Deerborn, NORTH DAKOTA (TWP)
In a faculty meeting at Deerborn High School, teachers voted to ban the use of certain verbs that appear repeatedly in documents from the state education department and the school’s own administration.
Faculty president Rhonda Ledbetter said, “We’re tired of being told to “utilize the available resources that the state has provided” when what they mean is ‘use the textbooks.”
New Township, OHIO (TWP)
New Township High School English teacher Rachel Truman was reprimanded at the school board meeting Tuesday. High School principal Jeffrey Klung cited various offenses that Truman had been committing during the school year.
“Ms Truman’s failure to abide by the school bell and period system is particularly disruptive to the school. Continually letting students out one minute before the bell—and on occasion, sometimes almost two minutes– contributes to a distraction,” Klung told the board.
Wyoming (TWP) The State Education Department of Wyoming has begun an online teaching evaluation program that students, parents, and anyone really can use to grade the state’s public school teachers.
Wyoming education secretary Mo Banacek says of the program launched on Dec. 17, just in time for Christmas break, “We did considerable research on teacher evaluation programs throughout the nation, and then some boys in an advanced computer class at Roundoff Middle School brought this one to the board’s attention. We liked it immediately.”