Tag Archives: fake news

James Pitterdaughter’s new teacher-serial killer blockbuster

Omaha NE (TWP) 

With his latest book, best-selling writer James Pitterdaughter is achieving unheard of success, even for this author who has conquered the bland fiction charts, branched into children’s books and young adult flying fantasy and even uses a ghost writer when he needs to take a break between books for lunch.

Pitterdaughter’s Along Came a Teacher . . . Who Kills People has shot up to number 3 on the bestseller charts in only four weeks of its release. The book, which Pitterdaughter said would be the first in a series, follows high school English teacher turned serial killer Amillia Floss on her journey to rid the world of evil, while expounding on the meter in Thomas Hardy’s poetry to her senior students who refuse to read George Eliot because she was ugly.

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Teachers enjoy their summers OFF

Across America (TWP)

In the glorious days of summer, when teachers frolic and gambol through the wildflower fields, all is right with the world. The teachers rise each day somewhere between ten and noon and then eat blueberry pancakes with specially ground French roast bean coffee and nap and watch a Lifetime movie in the afternoon.

After watching the movie and perhaps playing with a very furry calico kitten, the teachers take another nap and then rise at dinnertime to have fettuccine Bolognese or roasted chicken with garlic or grilled salmon, because they have time to learn to be top chefs in the summer when they are OFF.

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State education departments say “no” to end-of-year testing

Across the Nation (TWP) 

In response to widespread teacher protests and rallies in support of teachers who have recently been scapegoated, semi-lynched, raked over the black souls of the education department’s policy wankers, and, in general, blamed for bad kids, stupid kids, the economic downfall, the Olson twins, potted meat, and alopecia, teachers have finally gotten school administrators and test-addicted bureaucrats to see the light.

Instead of the annual three to four week onslaught of end-of-instruction tests, schools are now going to get the opportunity to test their students year-round! In an identical statement issued from the education departments of several states at once, the superintendents declared the following:

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Sales of magical teacher gear on the rise

Grand Rapids MI (TWP)

At the Educational Magicurriculum Concepts Factory, account manager Bo North announced that sales of their new line of magical end-of-the-year teacher products have skyrocketed. “We haven’t seen this kind of increase in sales in such a short amount of time since the 80s when Ronald Reagan slashed the education budget, and we sold out of recycled staples in 24 hours,” North said. “Recycling was the best magic we could do at the time.”

The Passing Period Phantom-Producer, even at a pricey $149, has been the company’s best seller in the last week. The Phantom-Producer is a palm device, upon which the teacher places her hand as soon as the bell rings, and she becomes a phantom, invisible to the naked student eye until the bell rings for the next class.

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Teacher appreciation packages well-received

Across America (TWP)

During Teacher Appreciation Week, teachers across the country were honored with numerous gift packages, ranging from the small but special to the large and luxurious. TWP surveyed teachers and found some interesting results of the weeklong marathon of love and mutual respect.

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, 3rd grade teacher at Ross Elementary, Karen Morrison reported that she received a special email from the superintendent of schools which read, “As we close Teacher Appreciation Week, I want to say THANK YOU for all you do for our students! The single most important factor in our success as a school district is the quality teachers and staff we employ! We will continue to move forward and provide opportunities for our students because of you and your efforts! You are making a difference!”

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New school language studied by etymologist

Garner, MO (TWP)

Teachers, staff, and students at GarnerMiddle School have created a new language of sorts, one worthy of research and further study. Noted etymologist Dr. Rand Lichtenstein of Harvard has recently published his research on the language in the April issue of the Modern Language Review.

Lichtenstein studied the school over an eight-week period, after it had come to light that outside members of the public and parents were unable to communicate effectively with those associated with the school. “What I found was an ingenuous code these people had developed in order to survive in the educational environment that has arisen around them,” Lichtenstein said.

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Education officers arrest half of Springfield High’s faculty

Springfield KY (TWP) 

Education enforcement officers recently cracked down at Springfield High School in Kentucky. Two separate math teachers were ticketed for completing end-of-instruction practice booklets at excessive speeds. Tipped off by a crying girl, officers lurked near the open doorway of Ester Reed’s room until their radar clocked her going 2 mph (mundane problems honed) over the State Education Department limit.

The crying girl was later found to be suffering from eternal drama fatigue, unrelated to any math infractions (or fractions) pending in the room.

English teacher Donette McKinney, cited for negligence of her recently-installed Smart Board, posted bail with the spare change she had accumulated in years of selling pencils to students (another violation of Education Code BE-19999982—profiting from the poverty, ignorance, and laziness of a captive source).

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Superintendent knows the teachers are up to something

Delozier WY (TWP)

Superintendent Sam Rutherford knows the teachers at his district are “up to something,” but he’s not sure what yet. According to tapes from an informal meeting of the superintendent and school board at Delozier Schools, Wyoming, that were leaked to TWP, Rutherford has put the principals in the district on alert that “shenanigans may be in the air.”

“If we relax the vigilance one iota, we could be goners,” Rutherford said to mumbled agreement. A school board member’s voice could then be heard on the scratchy tape, and though the words were unintelligible, the note of warning in the tone was apparent.

TWP has also learned that the superintendent has extended the blockade of bullshit that he authorized to fortify the Education Services Building at the beginning of the year, when he authorized without input from anyone an extended school day, decreased planning time, and scanning devices that record the number of times a teacher retreated to the faculty lounge in the course of a day.

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Secretary of Education tells teachers things they didn’t know

Across America (TWP)

Arne Duncan, secretary of the U.S. Department of Education, recently said, “It is a fundamental, unalterable belief that every child can learn, and a fundamental understanding of the tremendous urgency of our work.”

Shaking with disbelief, Sacramento High School music teacher Sandra Estep said, “Wow. I never thought about what I do in that way. I am so ready to change the way I teach now that I know how fundamentally urgent it is in a fundamental way.”

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Best workers take over for the rest of us

Across America (TWP)

Following the advice of a private-schooled rich man on public schools, businesses across the country have implemented the “best worker gets more business” model to mixed results. Average waitresses at the Denny’s in downtown Kansas City liked the leisure time but moaned about the lack of tips, which usually comprise 75 % of their salaries.

Denny’s customer Reid Langston left the restaurant fuming. “Barbara has always been the best waitress here, but it took forever for her to take our order and then by the time she brought our pancakes to us they were stone cold.”

Barbara, who gave a last name but it was unintelligible in the rush she made past TWP reporters, had been assigned double the usual tables because everyone acknowledged she was the best waitress on the weekday morning shift.

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