Tag Archives: entertainment

State education departments say “no” to end-of-year testing

Across the Nation (TWP) 

In response to widespread teacher protests and rallies in support of teachers who have recently been scapegoated, semi-lynched, raked over the black souls of the education department’s policy wankers, and, in general, blamed for bad kids, stupid kids, the economic downfall, the Olson twins, potted meat, and alopecia, teachers have finally gotten school administrators and test-addicted bureaucrats to see the light.

Instead of the annual three to four week onslaught of end-of-instruction tests, schools are now going to get the opportunity to test their students year-round! In an identical statement issued from the education departments of several states at once, the superintendents declared the following:

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Teacher’s Guide to a New Year’s Revolution

Being an overview of the latest title from TWP, soon to be on bookshelves across the country

The day before returning to school in January, most public school teachers A) question their sanity, B) stock up on gin, C) update the resume, or D) start planning the revolution. Resolutions are for failures and motivational speakers.

Step One in the revolution: Get Oprah on board.

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Suggested Materials for a Beginning Public School Teacher

Public School, America (TWP)

You’ve got your degree, your certificate, and your love of education going for you. What else could possibly equip you for a career in the public school teaching field? Here are 5 must-have products on the market designed for the beginning teacher.

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New school philosophy good, old school philosophy bad

Atlanta, GEORGIA (TWP)

 At Peter Washington Elementary, Principal George Dotson wants to change the school philosophy so that it is a good one instead of a bad one. His plan includes having all teachers read the book Working School Wonders: A Philosophy That Works and use it as a basis for a good philosophy and throw out their bad philosophy.

“Times are changing,” Dotson said. “We have to change with them, throw out the bad and incorporate the new and get down to the business of teaching these kids with the best tools we have, not the bad ones.”

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Teachers ban use of “utilize” and “implement”

Deerborn, NORTH DAKOTA (TWP)

In a faculty meeting at Deerborn High School, teachers voted to ban the use of certain verbs that appear repeatedly in documents from the state education department and the school’s own administration.

 Faculty president Rhonda Ledbetter said, “We’re tired of being told to “utilize the available resources that the state has provided” when what they mean is ‘use the textbooks.”

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Creekview Superintendent says No Child Left Behind a success

 Creekview, NEVADA (TWP)

 While school districts across the nation continue to struggle to meet the No Child Left Behind mandates, Creekview School Superintendent Manny Rothchild says his school has perfected the act’s mandates.

“We have never left a child behind in the nine years that the NCLB act has been in effect,” said Rothchild. “We care about the health, well-being, and schooling of every individual child in our school.”

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Brompton Public Schools finds cure for Futile Syndrome

  Brompton, AZ (TWP) A fter last year’s state takeover of failing school district Brompton, remaining teachers petitioned and received the right to run the school. This year, studies show that the teacher-run school has made great success in combating the near epidemic spread of FUTILE syndrome.

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Teacher causes continual school disruptions

New Township, OHIO (TWP)

 New Township High School English teacher Rachel Truman was reprimanded at the school board meeting Tuesday. High School principal Jeffrey Klung cited various offenses that Truman had been committing during the school year.

 “Ms Truman’s failure to abide by the school bell and period system is particularly disruptive to the school. Continually letting students out one minute before the bell—and on occasion, sometimes almost two minutes– contributes to a distraction,” Klung told the board.

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