Education officers arrest half of Springfield High’s faculty

Springfield KY (TWP) 

Education enforcement officers recently cracked down at Springfield High School in Kentucky. Two separate math teachers were ticketed for completing end-of-instruction practice booklets at excessive speeds. Tipped off by a crying girl, officers lurked near the open doorway of Ester Reed’s room until their radar clocked her going 2 mph (mundane problems honed) over the State Education Department limit.

The crying girl was later found to be suffering from eternal drama fatigue, unrelated to any math infractions (or fractions) pending in the room.

English teacher Donette McKinney, cited for negligence of her recently-installed Smart Board, posted bail with the spare change she had accumulated in years of selling pencils to students (another violation of Education Code BE-19999982—profiting from the poverty, ignorance, and laziness of a captive source).

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Superintendent knows the teachers are up to something

Delozier WY (TWP)

Superintendent Sam Rutherford knows the teachers at his district are “up to something,” but he’s not sure what yet. According to tapes from an informal meeting of the superintendent and school board at Delozier Schools, Wyoming, that were leaked to TWP, Rutherford has put the principals in the district on alert that “shenanigans may be in the air.”

“If we relax the vigilance one iota, we could be goners,” Rutherford said to mumbled agreement. A school board member’s voice could then be heard on the scratchy tape, and though the words were unintelligible, the note of warning in the tone was apparent.

TWP has also learned that the superintendent has extended the blockade of bullshit that he authorized to fortify the Education Services Building at the beginning of the year, when he authorized without input from anyone an extended school day, decreased planning time, and scanning devices that record the number of times a teacher retreated to the faculty lounge in the course of a day.

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Secretary of Education tells teachers things they didn’t know

Across America (TWP)

Arne Duncan, secretary of the U.S. Department of Education, recently said, “It is a fundamental, unalterable belief that every child can learn, and a fundamental understanding of the tremendous urgency of our work.”

Shaking with disbelief, Sacramento High School music teacher Sandra Estep said, “Wow. I never thought about what I do in that way. I am so ready to change the way I teach now that I know how fundamentally urgent it is in a fundamental way.”

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Best workers take over for the rest of us

Across America (TWP)

Following the advice of a private-schooled rich man on public schools, businesses across the country have implemented the “best worker gets more business” model to mixed results. Average waitresses at the Denny’s in downtown Kansas City liked the leisure time but moaned about the lack of tips, which usually comprise 75 % of their salaries.

Denny’s customer Reid Langston left the restaurant fuming. “Barbara has always been the best waitress here, but it took forever for her to take our order and then by the time she brought our pancakes to us they were stone cold.”

Barbara, who gave a last name but it was unintelligible in the rush she made past TWP reporters, had been assigned double the usual tables because everyone acknowledged she was the best waitress on the weekday morning shift.

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Superintendent reveals cure for poo-poo brain

Peach Grove GA (TWP)

Peach Grove Public Schools has reportedly initiated a new technology and electronic policy for the next school year. The policy is detailed in a 168-page document that explains the rules governing the use of all digital and electronic devices in the school, including cell phones, I-pods, I-pads, I-peds (electronic sneakers), and I-ponds (digital water bottles).

Superintendent Jordan Eslinger noted that the district needed to “revamp our policies on the appropriate use of electronic devices so that we might enter the 21st century digital paradigm.” The district’s policies came under fire when high school geometry teacher Sheryl Newley was reprimanded for allowing a student to use her phone to look up a word in dictionary.com.

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Teacher fired for looking cross-eyed at a student

Across the US (TWP)

Junctionville Elementary reading teacher Julie Parker was fired on Tuesday for looking cross-eyed at one of her 36 students in third hour. The student had just asked if they needed to know what was on the board for the test, and Parker apparently turned from the student she was helping and did something “inappropriate” according to school authorities, with her eyes in the student’s direction.

The child’s mother, who could not be named because this would reveal the child’s identity, told TWP that Parker “deliberately tried to shame my son Martin Weaver with a look that was making fun of a physical peculiarity he can’t do anything about.”

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Death of last real teacher mourned

Bertha Honeycutt enjoys her retirement.

Bushwell NY (TWP)

Funeral services for Bertha Honeycutt, retired second grade teacher at Bushwell Elementary in upstate New York were held on Tuesday and briefly interrupted by a phalanx of mourners unable to get into the jam-packed church.

Honeycutt, the last documented public school teacher to teach unobstructed by testing and data mandates, quick-fix paradigm fads, and related educational bullshit, was laid to rest amidst the communal sobs of the nation’s students and teachers mourning the end of an era.

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School circus performers abandon the big tent

Ft. Worth TX (TWP)

The Greater Ft Worth Public School Circus was temporarily shut-down when a renegade elephant refused to prance at the ringmaster’s whip-call. The elephant, otherwise known as Mrs. Sharpe, the middle school math teacher, trumpeted and trotted out of the ring and crashed through the pavilion doors.

A few students hitched a ride on her back, and no one was injured in the incident, though the Board of Education building had to go to lockdown when piles of elephant poo threatened to destroy the pristine tile hallways.

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Ninja teachers invade superintendent’s office

Drapertown FL (TWP)

A select group of ninja teachers from the Drapertown School district were partially successful in their afternoon meeting at the superintendent’s office today. Casualties were still being counted at press time, but the most severe injuries reported included a minor brain explosion and two cases of accidental vomit swallowing.

 Ninja captain, science teacher Paula Stone, said, “Our initial strategy was to continue our practice of open communication, and then we realized we were tired of exposing ourselves and having to take it up the ass. Thus, the ninja training commenced.”

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School district shaken by duct tape, computer, and bake sale battles

 Port Lansing, LOUISIANA (TWP)

In education news this week, infrastructure and supply issues endangered the lives of teachers, staff, and students at Port Lansing schools. In a middle school portable building, 7th grade math teacher Robert Morton became entangled in several loose yards of duct tape securing the door frame to the wall.

“He was stuck in the doorway when we got to class,” said Penny Strickwell, one of Morton’s third hour students. “The duct tape was all wadded up in his hair like bubble gum or something.”

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