Education officers arrest half of Springfield High’s faculty

Springfield KY (TWP) 

Education enforcement officers recently cracked down at Springfield High School in Kentucky. Two separate math teachers were ticketed for completing end-of-instruction practice booklets at excessive speeds. Tipped off by a crying girl, officers lurked near the open doorway of Ester Reed’s room until their radar clocked her going 2 mph (mundane problems honed) over the State Education Department limit.

The crying girl was later found to be suffering from eternal drama fatigue, unrelated to any math infractions (or fractions) pending in the room.

English teacher Donette McKinney, cited for negligence of her recently-installed Smart Board, posted bail with the spare change she had accumulated in years of selling pencils to students (another violation of Education Code BE-19999982—profiting from the poverty, ignorance, and laziness of a captive source).

A forensic measurement of the dust (1.3889 millimeters) on the Smart Board surface, plus a report of its malnutritioned wires worked againstMcKinney. When questioned, the Smart Board also testified that it felt unloved and of no value to its “mother.”

“If I need a talking head or talking numbers or letters or bright colors or flashy words and music, I’ll turn the fucking thing on. Otherwise, I don’t need it. If you haven’t learned to be creative and think with what is inside you, ten-thousand images and talking heads and whistles and bells aren’t going to solve the problem,”McKinneytold TWP.

Biology teacher Mark Underwood was ticketed for going 250 mph (material per handout) over the limit, resulting in systematic copier abuse and excessive pencil-to-paper contact from students. Underwood was told to “utilize computer software programs to reduce the amount of paper utilized in the classroom.”

After Underwood noted that he had only one computer in his classroom, he was told to use the computer lab. After he noted that there was no computer lab, he was told to use the laptop computers stored in the library. When he noted that the laptops did not have the biology software on them and the technology guy had failed to add it even though it had been requested at the beginning of the year, he was told to . . . “utilize handouts.”

His fine was, however, not revoked.

Elsewhere in the building, the head of the science department was cited for keeping cats in the freezer, the family and consumer science teacher for keeping condoms in a locked cabinet, the agriculture teacher for wearing boots, and the attendance secretary for making too many phone calls.

As she was being led away in handcuffs, Spanish teacher Rebecca Weaver, arrested for translating 50 mph (muchacho por hombre) over the speed set by Eddie Philpott’s mother who had been to Mexico once and knew that her boy could learn that language if there weren’t so many Mexicans already in the class who were making it hard for all the “real students” to learn, yelled, “Viva la revolucion!”

And to the officer tugging on her arm, she smiled and whispered, “Chingada.”



Filed under Teaching Whore Press

4 responses to “Education officers arrest half of Springfield High’s faculty

  1. This REALLY made me laugh out loud several times. I love the “fake news” style of the article mixed with you insider’s expert knowledge on the intricacies of the teaching world.
    you are as fresh, crisp and biting in your satire-as a fine Gin and Tonic.!

    p.s. I am going to put you on my “blog roll” my site is a little edgy to let me know if you would prefer not to be listed.
    If you don’t mind, I’d be honored to have you listed. Also, if you could email me a 2 sentence synopsis that you think best sums up your blog, please send me the blurb, so that I may put it in the description for your blog link.
    My email is



  2. ‘Eternal drama fatigue’! OMG! Maybe she needs home instruction.

  3. Senorita Crabtree

    Palabras? We don’t need no steenkin’ palabras!

  4. My Kentucky! Your material is hilarious. Thank you for keeping me inspired.
    Ronald Grey
    Twitter: @RonaldGrey

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