Delozier WY (TWP)
Superintendent Sam Rutherford knows the teachers at his district are “up to something,” but he’s not sure what yet. According to tapes from an informal meeting of the superintendent and school board at Delozier Schools, Wyoming, that were leaked to TWP, Rutherford has put the principals in the district on alert that “shenanigans may be in the air.”
“If we relax the vigilance one iota, we could be goners,” Rutherford said to mumbled agreement. A school board member’s voice could then be heard on the scratchy tape, and though the words were unintelligible, the note of warning in the tone was apparent.
TWP has also learned that the superintendent has extended the blockade of bullshit that he authorized to fortify the Education Services Building at the beginning of the year, when he authorized without input from anyone an extended school day, decreased planning time, and scanning devices that record the number of times a teacher retreated to the faculty lounge in the course of a day.
After receiving her first Lounge Activity Scan Inventory (LASI), Dot True, high school reading teacher, told TWP, “Apparently, I have to shit more than the average teacher, as my bar graph is quite a bit higher and more purple than most other teachers.”
Asked if she cared that the administration knew how often she had to shit, True said, “Ah, come on. This thing doesn’t really measure how much I shit. They wanted to keep us from talking to each other so they thought they would intimidate us by”—
Interrupted by another teacher, who refused to give her name, True learned that indeed SoT did measure the level of Shit on Task True was committing on a weekly basis. The unnamed teacher explained, “Your Shit-on-Task is going to be correlated with the feces graphs from the other teachers in your department and that will be cross-referenced to your students’ state mandated test scores to determine your pay for the coming year.”
Although TWP did not share this confidential information with the superintendent, Rutherford seemed to know that something was rotten in the state of Delozier Schools, and it wasn’t just the teachers too paranoid to flush the toilets for fear of aggregated feces charts appearing in their personnel files.
As he stood unflinching behind sandbags of bullshit piled to the E in Education on the yellow brick building, Rutherford raised a fist and stormed, “Why can’t they just do what is best for the children! Why can’t they just go in their classrooms and stay in there for 8 or 10 hours and then go home or to one of the school’s basketball games or fundraisers or school plays or . . . Why must they talk to other adults!”
Two children from the middle school who arrived to ask for a quote from the superintendent for their school paper were abruptly shooed away. “Get back to your classroom!” the superintendent hissed. “You’re not coming in MY office.”
Asked whether they were planning a revolt against the administration, teachers district-wide said, “When the fuck are we supposed to find time for that?”