Across America (TWP)
Following the advice of a private-schooled rich man on public schools, businesses across the country have implemented the “best worker gets more business” model to mixed results. Average waitresses at the Denny’s in downtown Kansas City liked the leisure time but moaned about the lack of tips, which usually comprise 75 % of their salaries.
Denny’s customer Reid Langston left the restaurant fuming. “Barbara has always been the best waitress here, but it took forever for her to take our order and then by the time she brought our pancakes to us they were stone cold.”
Barbara, who gave a last name but it was unintelligible in the rush she made past TWP reporters, had been assigned double the usual tables because everyone acknowledged she was the best waitress on the weekday morning shift.
In Oklahoma City, the Will Rogers Airport was temporarily shut down when the best air traffic controllers failed to cope with their increased plane loads and three jets were scheduled to land on the same strip at the same time. An average controller noticed the error and managed to avert the disaster.
Fern Cunningham, widely acknowledged as the best hostess at the Bentonville, Arkansas Super Wal-Mart, collapsed in a state of nervous exhaustion on Wednesday, after attempting to greet customers at both entrances to the store.
Recuperating at a local hospital, Cunningham pushed aside her respirator and said, “I’m not the best anymore. I leave it in Jesus’s hands.”
Alarmed family members were relieved to discover that Cunningham was referring to the second best host Jesus Martinez, who was taking over her shift.
In historic downtown Las Vegas, a natural history museum curator was waiting anxiously for the firemen to arrive to put out a fire that had started in a storage basement and was quickly moving toward an area containing precious artifacts. Though the nearest fire station was two blocks away, the museum fire was being handled by a fire station in southern Las Vegas that was known as the best in the four-state area.
“Here we go,” curator Nan Starling said, “The best will be the end of us. Thank you, Bill Gates.” Clutching an incisor from a triceratops, Starling ran back to the museum to fight the fire herself.
The line at Dr. Bob Wakefield’s office at the Dove Medical Clinic in Tampa Bay, Florida, stretched down the hall and out the front door on Thursday afternoon, as patients who had been re-assigned to the best general practitioner in the region, waited to see him. Penny Nilson, a young mother with two very tired toddlers, said as she leaned against the brick wall, “I just need a refill on my allergy prescription. I’ve been standing here half the day. My kids are weak from hunger. But I get migraines if I don’t have the pills, so I have to get them. I wish I could just go see Dr. Sue again.”
Finally, in suburban Greenville, Tennessee, best math teacher Diane Roady supervised the removed of the wall in her portable building behind the cafeteria dumpster at Greenville High School. To accommodate Roady’s increased class sizes, the teacher in the other portable room was being relocated to a former custodial closet to teach his remaining students.