Monthly Archives: March 2011

Best workers take over for the rest of us

Across America (TWP)

Following the advice of a private-schooled rich man on public schools, businesses across the country have implemented the “best worker gets more business” model to mixed results. Average waitresses at the Denny’s in downtown Kansas City liked the leisure time but moaned about the lack of tips, which usually comprise 75 % of their salaries.

Denny’s customer Reid Langston left the restaurant fuming. “Barbara has always been the best waitress here, but it took forever for her to take our order and then by the time she brought our pancakes to us they were stone cold.”

Barbara, who gave a last name but it was unintelligible in the rush she made past TWP reporters, had been assigned double the usual tables because everyone acknowledged she was the best waitress on the weekday morning shift.

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Superintendent reveals cure for poo-poo brain

Peach Grove GA (TWP)

Peach Grove Public Schools has reportedly initiated a new technology and electronic policy for the next school year. The policy is detailed in a 168-page document that explains the rules governing the use of all digital and electronic devices in the school, including cell phones, I-pods, I-pads, I-peds (electronic sneakers), and I-ponds (digital water bottles).

Superintendent Jordan Eslinger noted that the district needed to “revamp our policies on the appropriate use of electronic devices so that we might enter the 21st century digital paradigm.” The district’s policies came under fire when high school geometry teacher Sheryl Newley was reprimanded for allowing a student to use her phone to look up a word in dictionary.com.

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Teacher fired for looking cross-eyed at a student

Across the US (TWP)

Junctionville Elementary reading teacher Julie Parker was fired on Tuesday for looking cross-eyed at one of her 36 students in third hour. The student had just asked if they needed to know what was on the board for the test, and Parker apparently turned from the student she was helping and did something “inappropriate” according to school authorities, with her eyes in the student’s direction.

The child’s mother, who could not be named because this would reveal the child’s identity, told TWP that Parker “deliberately tried to shame my son Martin Weaver with a look that was making fun of a physical peculiarity he can’t do anything about.”

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Death of last real teacher mourned

Bertha Honeycutt enjoys her retirement.

Bushwell NY (TWP)

Funeral services for Bertha Honeycutt, retired second grade teacher at Bushwell Elementary in upstate New York were held on Tuesday and briefly interrupted by a phalanx of mourners unable to get into the jam-packed church.

Honeycutt, the last documented public school teacher to teach unobstructed by testing and data mandates, quick-fix paradigm fads, and related educational bullshit, was laid to rest amidst the communal sobs of the nation’s students and teachers mourning the end of an era.

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