Port Lansing, LOUISIANA (TWP)
In education news this week, infrastructure and supply issues endangered the lives of teachers, staff, and students at Port Lansing schools. In a middle school portable building, 7th grade math teacher Robert Morton became entangled in several loose yards of duct tape securing the door frame to the wall.
“He was stuck in the doorway when we got to class,” said Penny Strickwell, one of Morton’s third hour students. “The duct tape was all wadded up in his hair like bubble gum or something.”
“I could see his crack,” giggled one unnamed boy.
Penny’s fellow students were afraid to cut the duct tape and risk the frame collapsing or the walls falling, both things that had happened in the months before, causing Morton’s classes to be moved to the cafeteria for two weeks while repairs were made.
“We could almost hear him over the kids in 1st lunch,” said fourth hour student John Riding. “My math book still has mashed potatoes stuck in it.”
At the high school in Port Lansing, an armed battle broke out in the writing lab where Frances Downing’s senior students were working on their research paper. The writing lab, recently made possible by a donation of outdated computers from a local accounting firm, erupted into warfare when several of the computers refused to perform basic procedures necessary for completion of the papers.
According to Downing, three computers started the mutiny by rising up from the rickety pressed wood tables and whipping their electric cord tentacles into the faces of their student attackers. “When a wheezing Dell S82 snapped and flung its motherboard at Bubba Green, all hell broke loose,” Downing said.
Green and most of his classmates defended themselves by breaking off pieces of the flaking tabletops and using them as shields. A stack of computer paper glued together by months of mold in the corner became a bunker behind which Green bombarded the computers with the only supplies in the room—a large box of Underwood typewriter ribbon for typewriters donated to the school by a local bank.
“We had plenty of ammunition—those old ribbon cartridges could slice your eye out—but a Dell S82 is a tough one, worthless as goat balls, but tough,” said Green.
The steady stream of cord, wire, and obsolete components the computers continued to assault the students with did not deter them. “Yeehaw!” Green said after the fight. “Those electrical sparks came straight down on us like a cow pissing on a flat rock, but we held the defensive line and only suffered a few injuries.”
Not immune from the wreckage, the elementary school experienced a riot when the music club ran out of double-chocolate chip crème surprise cookies made by Shelly Nelson’s mom who runs Little Treats Bakery. The cookies were the top seller at the music club’s bake sale to raise funds in hopes of retaining their teacher whose program was being cut.
“When they announced those cookies were gone, kids all over the building started crying and tackling anybody who’d managed to buy some,” said Principal Elizabeth Fleming. “Afraid those misshapen peanut butter bars that Aaron Jackson’s mom brought are just not going to keep the program from getting axed.”