Topeka, KANSAS (TWP)
Researchers commissioned by the Kansas Department of Education reported inconclusive findings in their study of Topeka High English teacher Marti Davis’s success. Davis, recently fired for non-compliance in several areas, including conducting, remediating, and storing data from mandated state-issued tests, appeared to have highly successful students anyway.
“We’re not quite sure why there seems to be no relation between Ms Davis’s failure to teach in the proper way and the continued success rate of her students in tests, graduation, college, and work,” said Bernard Simpson, head of Education Design for 21st Century Schooling. “I don’t know. Her shit just don’t stink.”
“Classroom observation revealed a strange insistence on speaking directly to students and responding to them rather than using the Smart Board and connected standardized test-taking technology tools that accompany it,” said Simpson.
Researchers were also curious about how the practice of spending a whole hour each Friday simply reading had any bearing on student success. “It was quite odd. The students simply brought in a library book, opened it, and read for the majority of the hour. How could this possibly create a good multiple-choice test-taker for the 21st century?’ researcher Luellen Ranson noted in her findings.
To correlate classroom methods with student success, researchers contacted over 1,000 of Davis’s former students and conducted extensive interviews. Though the students had not been permitted the constant assessment owed them in their high school careers, 98% were found to be healthy, happy, and successful in all areas of their lives, but most especially in communication.
Also, antithetical to the educational philosophy rehabilitation system her principal had purchased with a set of books, training and lectures from The Teacher in Me (known as The Sphincter in Me in faculty lounges nationwide), Davis frequently took her students away from the classroom and the appropriate learning devices and time-on-task methods outlined in the curriculum guide.
“Apparently,” said Topeka superintendent Bob Fink, “she expected learning to occur in the hallway, auditorium, other classrooms, and most surprisingly of all, the outdoors.”
Davis, a five-time teacher of the year, is not without job prospects. One of Davis’s former students, Mary Grant, Dean of Arts and Sciences at the University of Kansas, said “Ms Davis will always have a job here at the university if she prefers college students to ninth graders. I would not be here without her, and she would be a great addition to our staff.”
Ranson, still trying to understand Davis’s success rate noted one particularly baffling classroom observation. In the handling of a “difficult 9th grader writing an assignment, Ms Davis affected a Yoda voice and said ‘Do or do not—there is no try.’ This child, who proceeded to write a B-paper after Ms Davis told him to stop whining and put pen to paper, can’t be explained with our syllogism. The rational motivator in this scenario would be a threat of failure on the mandated exit exam, not the dramatization of puppet wisdom and potentially self-esteem-damaging admonishments surrounding one’s writing paraphernalia.”
Continued examination of the raw data should eventually result in an answer as to why Davis, who, according to Fink “repeatedly ignored the implementation of best practices” achieved such achievement.
Bernard Simpson said he would continue to lead his researchers in this case but, “I’m pretty sure magic is involved in this somehow.”
Calls to Davids Blaine and Copperfield had not been returned at press time, and Criss Angel was having hair extensions and thus was temporarily unavailable.