Monthly Archives: February 2011

School circus performers abandon the big tent

Ft. Worth TX (TWP)

The Greater Ft Worth Public School Circus was temporarily shut-down when a renegade elephant refused to prance at the ringmaster’s whip-call. The elephant, otherwise known as Mrs. Sharpe, the middle school math teacher, trumpeted and trotted out of the ring and crashed through the pavilion doors.

A few students hitched a ride on her back, and no one was injured in the incident, though the Board of Education building had to go to lockdown when piles of elephant poo threatened to destroy the pristine tile hallways.

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Ninja teachers invade superintendent’s office

Drapertown FL (TWP)

A select group of ninja teachers from the Drapertown School district were partially successful in their afternoon meeting at the superintendent’s office today. Casualties were still being counted at press time, but the most severe injuries reported included a minor brain explosion and two cases of accidental vomit swallowing.

 Ninja captain, science teacher Paula Stone, said, “Our initial strategy was to continue our practice of open communication, and then we realized we were tired of exposing ourselves and having to take it up the ass. Thus, the ninja training commenced.”

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School district shaken by duct tape, computer, and bake sale battles

 Port Lansing, LOUISIANA (TWP)

In education news this week, infrastructure and supply issues endangered the lives of teachers, staff, and students at Port Lansing schools. In a middle school portable building, 7th grade math teacher Robert Morton became entangled in several loose yards of duct tape securing the door frame to the wall.

“He was stuck in the doorway when we got to class,” said Penny Strickwell, one of Morton’s third hour students. “The duct tape was all wadded up in his hair like bubble gum or something.”

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Teacher fired for improper filing of correlated objectives

Sequoyah, OKLAHOMA (TWP)

Veteran Sequoyah High School history teacher Ingrid Ketcher was fired after twenty-nine years of service with the district. In that time, Ketcher, a six-time teacher-of-the-year winner, nevertheless, failed to report mandated data and test scores and maintain records of required tests she had given, thereby screwing any chances for her students’ future success.

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Teacher’s success baffles education establishment

Topeka, KANSAS (TWP)

Researchers commissioned by the Kansas Department of Education reported inconclusive findings in their study of Topeka High English teacher Marti Davis’s success. Davis, recently fired for non-compliance in several areas, including conducting, remediating, and storing data from mandated state-issued tests, appeared to have highly successful students anyway.

“We’re not quite sure why there seems to be no relation between Ms Davis’s failure to teach in the proper way and the continued success rate of her students in tests, graduation, college, and work,” said Bernard Simpson, head of Education Design for 21st Century Schooling. “I don’t know. Her shit just don’t stink.”

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Aliens tour Westlake High School

In education news this week, aliens from the planet Xalminator landed in Westlake, Indiana, at the forty-yard-line on the fighting Wolves’ football field. On their tour, the aliens remarked on the school’s foreign design and inhabitants. 

 “This startling system of bells ringing at 50-minute intervals, followed by another ring 5 minutes after each 50-minute bell appears to randomly move the students through a series of rooms, hallways, and doorways at an alarming rate,” Citizen Xorotec noted. “I see no intellectual logic for such behavior, since this is a school of learning, and learning cannot be reasonably segmented in such an arbitrary way.”

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