(TWP) Retired high school psychology teacher Bourbon Lovesme is following up the success of his blockbuster The 7 Cocktails of Lightly-Soused Teachers with The Liquor in Me, an inebriating blueprint for “spirit”ual success in schools for teachers everywhere.
Lovesme’s 413-page tome details how the 7 cocktails mentioned in his earlier New York Times bestselling self-help book can bring courage and fortitude to the faculty lounge, every teacher’s launching pad into the world of student life.
Cocktail 1: Proactipodium is a gentle blend of mild sherry and muscle relaxants that unclench the fingers from the curled up edge of the podium of any teacher slowly becoming hunchbacked in the presence of a room full of unmedicated children who did not have breakfast and stayed up til 2 a.m. playing Call of Duty Black Ops.
Cocktail 2: Absinthe Unexcused combines the popular powerful spirit diluted with tap water from the faculty lounge to give it a rusty, yet eye-opening sulphuric taste that allows one to see the potential in the child just walking in the door with his fourteenth tardy of the semester.
Cocktail 3: Crotch on the Spot, not to be confused with Scotch on the Rocks, combines blended whiskey with a urinary tract infection from holding in your pee until the bell rings as you sit at your desk pinned to the spot for fear of accidental leakage.
Cocktail 4: Win and Phonic. The mutually beneficial combination of win and phonics cannot be denied. The overall flavor and aroma inspire all good teachers to declare, “Let’s have a round of win and phonics for everyone!” as they wheel around the faculty lounge and dance with curious cockroaches daringly heady with the festive atmosphere.
Cocktail 5: Paradigmitini is a classic martini of gin mixed with the latest juicy, chunky, pricey paradigm the superintendent has provided to circumvent real change and get material for his Ph.d at the same time. Have it shaken—the chill helps freeze the brain and prepare it for the shit . . . shift.
Cocktail 6: Seven and Seven. No, not Seagrams and 7-Up but seven daily class periods and seven rounds of psychosis you will cure with that teaching certificate molding in the filing cabinet behind your desk. What? You don’t know enough psychiatry, marketing, anatomy, karate, veterinary medicine, and auto mechanics to be an English or math or art teacher? Lightly stirred with a hint of dry erase marker fluid. How refreshing.
Cocktail 7: Testila Scorerise combines fresh orange juice with a hefty dose of multiple choice questions designed and interpreted by people rejected by E-Harmony for having less personality and common sense and fewer dating prospects than a dot matrix printer from 1982.
Lovesme is already writing his next book, The 8th Cocktail: From Tipsiness to Intoxication, which will detail Lovesme’s plan for teachers that will gain them the whole-body “spirit”ual saturation that will lead them confidently, if not, askewly, through their working day.