Public School, America (TWP)
You’ve got your degree, your certificate, and your love of education going for you. What else could possibly equip you for a career in the public school teaching field? Here are 5 must-have products on the market designed for the beginning teacher.
1. Bullshit Detector. Yes, these handy little machines are still around and are being improved upon every day. The latest model, Edu-stinko Detecto #253, made by Teaching Implements, Inc., comes with an electronic device into which you can quickly upload any incoming missives, directives, and policy manuals from the administration or state education department. It will comb the material, flush the waste, and eject a simple message. It can shrink a 288-page document on Common Core Standards for Achievement of Priority Student Success into one line: “Teach what you know they need.”
2. RMCS Test Strips. On most days, you will have about 20 minutes to eat lunch, and when you have lunch duty, that will shrink to 10, so many teachers are soon afflicted with RMCS (Rapid Meal Consumption Syndrome). The symptoms are indigestion, confusion, and a general feeling of dissatisfaction with the way that life ought to be lived. These test strips can be easily applied in the minute you might have between classes when you aren’t being bombarded by “What are we doing today?” and “Can we have a free day?” and the principal just dropping by to hand over something for your Bullshit Detector ($29.99 and comes in green, blue, or puce).
3. FM Mask. The FM (Faculty Meeting) Mask has a foolproof design that will allow you to sleep, text, make funny faces, or even smoke—(a built-in smoke capturing device is one of the mask’s options, available for just $10.99 more), while you appear to be sincerely listening and digesting the scintillating words coming from admin’s mouth. Hair can be attached and matched to your own, if you want to ensure full coverage. Custom-made. Just send a photo! Remember to smile and look humble in it.
4. IT Gun. The IT (Intellligent Thought) gun, though designed with students in mind, is also quite handy when used on other teachers and administrators. Just aim the small, electronic device, and an intelligent thought will immediately replace the ignorant one that was getting ready to come out of the subject’s mouth. “I got our principal to agree to a 25-minute study/conference time at the beginning of the school day when I shot him with the IT Gun,” said high school trigonometry teacher Candace Nilson. “He was going to suggest having 8 classes a day instead of 7. This little gun is awesome!”
5. Podium Segueway. The Podium Segueway is the perfect device for when you have had enough and need to make a quick exit from the classroom. Just push a button under the podium top and it immediately transforms into a fully-functional, mechanized transporting device, that will zip you out of the room and through the front doors and down the street to the nearest bar where Happy Hour will just be starting.