Across the Nation (TWP)
In response to widespread teacher protests and rallies in support of teachers who have recently been scapegoated, semi-lynched, raked over the black souls of the education department’s policy wankers, and, in general, blamed for bad kids, stupid kids, the economic downfall, the Olson twins, potted meat, and alopecia, teachers have finally gotten school administrators and test-addicted bureaucrats to see the light.
Instead of the annual three to four week onslaught of end-of-instruction tests, schools are now going to get the opportunity to test their students year-round! In an identical statement issued from the education departments of several states at once, the superintendents declared the following:
“Our goal is for smaller, less-intrusive tests throughout the year that measure cognitive skills and provide meaningful information for classroom strategies. Paired with that is a goal for a robust and accessible longitudinal student data system, something that many states have heretofore not had. The overarching goal is to provide teachers with meaningful data throughout the year that you can actually use. Thanks again for this information.”
Notified of this policy, Jackson High School math teacher Robert Anderson said, “Well, I guess the tests heretofore I have been giving are heretofore not good enough to give me the meaningful data I need to do what I’ve been doing for 18 years. I wish I had heretofore known. I have wasted so much time using my own tests to teach students who now make eight times what I do and have second homes on theRiviera!”
A recent education symposium brought a variety of education superintendents and school administrators together, and the all-year-testing plan was the solution they came up with to the unrest broiling across the nation. An administrator from a rural Midwestern school who declined to give his name to TWP, said of the resolution, “The meaningful data that has become necessary for teachers to do their job is the answer to a robust strategy for pairing information and skill in a less-intrusive cognitive system of data heretofore not provided for actual use.”
In response to TWP’s “Huh?” the administrator had to go pee-pee.
The regional education administrator for the southwest Arnold Ickiickishebang said at the symposium, “It is time to admit that the amount of time and energy we spend on end-of-the-year tests that do not accurately measure a student’s abilities and skills come to an end. It is time to initiate and thus utilize a heretofore not accessible longitudinal data system through the school year with tests implemented on a regular basis and designed for their meaningful data output by my ridiculous colleagues at the state capital who have never been inside a public school classroom.”
Aware that truth was randomly inserting itself into his sentences, Ickiickishebang began to cough and quickly exited the stage in a fit of spontaneous integrity that he could not sustain.
Toward the end of the symposium, a handful of tattered teachers who had ridden the city bus across town to the event, burst into the room. Their leader, a career second grade teacher fromWyoming, Jane Hall, grabbed the microphone and announced, “Your reforms are oh-so-wise and expedient and good. So let us not speak of such things as developing schools that meet the needs of all students, improving health, medical, and social care for all America’s children from the time of birth, and sustaining mentorships and partnerships with the community that give people an investment in the education of the future citizenry!
“Oh no, your all-year testing ideas are so wonderful that we should not even speak of team-teaching, sharing teachers across districts, developing innovative programs and schedules, and apprenticeships and opportunities for students not going to college and partnerships with colleges for college-bound students! No, no, no. We should not speak of giving schools the best technology and facilities, operable thermostats in their classrooms even! Because you have figured out all of the problems and will solve them with your continual tests!
“Indeed! The apocalypse has been averted by your careful, researched, proven methods, and lo, we heretofore ignorant teachers wandering in the dataless mire of our own making bow to you. We bow to you, oh mighty administrators who have not been inside a classroom in five, ten, fifteen, or never years! We bow to your robust knowledge, yea, that it shall lead us out of the valley of the shadow of a dearth of testing so we might dwell in the longitudinal system of meaningful data forever and ever, admin!”