Grand Rapids MI (TWP)
At the Educational Magicurriculum Concepts Factory, account manager Bo North announced that sales of their new line of magical end-of-the-year teacher products have skyrocketed. “We haven’t seen this kind of increase in sales in such a short amount of time since the 80s when Ronald Reagan slashed the education budget, and we sold out of recycled staples in 24 hours,” North said. “Recycling was the best magic we could do at the time.”
The Passing Period Phantom-Producer, even at a pricey $149, has been the company’s best seller in the last week. The Phantom-Producer is a palm device, upon which the teacher places her hand as soon as the bell rings, and she becomes a phantom, invisible to the naked student eye until the bell rings for the next class.
“The Passing Period Phantom-Producer saved my life,” said middle school art teacher Raul Rodriguez. “For some reason, during the last few weeks of school, students suddenly want to talk with me, not personal issues, just random talking between classes. I have nothing to say to them. Repeat. NOTHING. Instead of fleeing from them or nodding vacantly as I try to record the attendance from the hour before or get a PowerPoint up on the stupid Smart Board for the incoming class, I can now just open my desk drawer, set my hand on the Producer, and I am invisible.”
Another big-seller this season is the handy Pocket Idiot-Alarm. This alarm is a small device the size of a key chain; in fact, many teachers use it as a key chain in the last few weeks of school.
Of this device, which sells for a low $19.99, an unnamed teacher from an urban high school noted, “When a student takes up for another one by asking an idiotic question, such as, ‘Why are you getting on to her for having earphones in her ears while you are talking?’ you can press the device and set off the school’s fire alarm system, thus saving you from homicidal acts and giving all of the teachers in the building a much needed, though ear-splitting break from the classroom.”
Other magicurriculum items that North reported are doing brisk sales include the Disappearing Principal Wand, the Gin-and-Tonic Dictionary Device, a talking calendar that counts down the days and uses your actual name, spoken in soothing tones by your choice of Liam Neeson or Marilyn Monroe, and name-brand packaged gum that when chewed by students causes them to slip into a catatonic state for exactly fifty minutes, at which time, they rise and leave the room en masse.
Fifth grade teacher Felicia Prentiss, Grand Rapids Elementary, said the gum appeared to have no side effects, though parents had been reporting that their children were unable to sleep at night. Apparently, the gum packages were given to all Grand Rapids Elementary teachers at a workshop put on by the Educational Magicurriculum Concepts Factory. “I guess I wasn’t the only one using them,” Prentiss said. “I ordered a gross of the stuff and the supply is getting low, let me tell you.”