WASHINGTON, DC (TWP)
In national news, President Obama said he wants to put an end to the backlash against teachers who don’t work in the summer by paying them to do so. His plan calls for compensating the time it takes to create lesson plans, attend workshops and conferences, read, and prepare for the school year during June and July.
President Obama noted in a primetime speech on education, “The misconception is that teachers get paid in the summer. The truth is that summer for teachers is unpaid leave. It’s comparable to what happens to an employee being investigated for a crime. Take two months while we investigate your crimes, sucker, and by the way, we’re not paying you for it either.”
“Finally,” second-year science teacher Billy Leston noted, “someone in power is doing some myth-busting. The first year teaching salary here is $36,000. If I worked AND got paid for June and July, then I would make $42,000. Whoopee whoop. Really? I have a four-year degree and a year of interning. Hell, even with a master’s, I’d only make $500 more. Oh well, at least it’s something.”
In year-round schools, the funds will be available for teachers who work in the break times between semesters, since these teachers cannot supplement their incomes with summer work. A recent survey revealed that 78% of public school teachers who are not in session in June and July work a second job during that time.
“If I hear another ignorant asshole bitch about how teachers have the summer off, I will be doing some jail time,” Dorothy Anders, a career 4th grade teacher, said. “Having the summer off with no pay for it is called not having a job! Every summer, I don’t have a job! Well, actually I do, since I work at the Dollar General to get my son through college.”
Partial funding for the program will come from the interest collected from payback damages that oil, bank, and investment companies are making for their egregious errors in environmental, social, and financial disaster perpetrated on the public.
“That whole merit-pay thing I’ve been pushing,” President Obama said, “I’ve had second thoughts about it. I think we need to research it more first. So we’ll put our funds in this plan instead. The American people deserve it.”
Another source of funding will come from fines imposed on Fox news commentators for every anti-education lie, math mistake, and illogical syllogism shittily drawn on a blackboard or other communication device, such as a TV screen.